Passion Crazy

Relationships with people are similar, if not the same, with the relationships that you make for things that you are passionate about – intangible things, that is.

A representative from the Institute that runs the accounting profession in Canada came into my grade 11 accounting class. The whole discussion of “prestige” and “reputation” and “distinction” were all confident terms to impress me in such a way that was almost like love at first sight.

The relationship grew, and became stronger than ever, by second-year at university. There was obvious battles with jealousy, of people who I thought were better than me, that can take away my dream, or what I called, “my love” at that time. But I overcame that, because I knew I deserved this more than anyone else and I was more capable of achieving and attaining anything I wanted. It was almost like I was unstoppable, as silly as that sounds.

Once I landed that internship out of hundreds of applicants, it was like I was married already. My love renewed and I began that journey of that “honeymoon stage” where, even the silliest fights of late hours, meant nothing to me, but just part of that endeavour to learn more about myself in this relationship.

As soon as my internship became a full-time career, things started to plateau…

And differences that were once so small, grew into bigger gaps. These differences seemed so big, it was almost like they couldn’t repair itself. As a result, I went through a whirlwind of emotions, which I frankly documented in this blog since March.

But then I recently met acting. Acting was always on my mind but I never gave it a chance until just less than a month ago. And now I’m in love, and quite frankly, I’m questioning whether my love for accounting was even love in the first place. Could it have been lust or infactuation? I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure that out myself.

One thing is for certain, is that I am passionately in love with acting. So much so, that, it almost scares me. I feel like I’m cheating what I once knew or loved. I’m honestly confused with my own thoughts.

I’m really looking forward to continuing my relationship with acting. But I know it will only go so far to the point where I’ll have to choose between accounting or acting down the road.

Relationships are truly hard to decipher and translate from emotions to words. But when they do, everything just seems to fall into place. I’m hoping that everything will work out for my highest good.

City of Angels

Hollywood, Los Angeles, California

For the last month, I’ve been preparing my two-day professional accounting exam, 7 days a week, 8 hours a day. [Yeah, I’m still doing this accounting gig.] I knew by the end of it, I just had to celebrate and go away for a bit. I spontaneously took an extended leave of absence from work and booked my LA trip with my study buddies.

I’ve been to LA numerous times in my life. Coming back to LA always felt like I was coming home. Toronto has and will always be my first home. But there is no other city other than LA that I have returned so frequently too. Ever since my first trip in LA, at the age of 7, I didn’t hesitate a second to believe that I could see myself live here.

Whether it be the weather, the palm trees, the friendly people, the celebrities or the fashion, everything seems so much brighter, fullfilling, and content in the City of Angels.

At the end of the trip, I told myself I’m coming back to LA again – but this time, I’ll have a job there. Who knows what or where I’ll be working, I just know I have to go back for a purpose this time. And I’m going to make it come true.

I know where I am right now isn’t exactly where I want to be. Today – especially – proved my point. To be honest, it wasn’t a terrible day at all. It was my first day back at work from my study leave and I just felt “not right” about it. Something was off. And I was nervous – like it was almost my first day at the job altogether. I caught my hands shaking out of no where and I told myself to stop. I told myself to stop being nervous and that there was and is nothing to be nervous about. It was such a strange feeling. I couldn’t explain why this was happening to me. This situation sounds silly come to think of it. But I know deep down that I have something bigger and brighter in my future and being here right now in Toronto doesn’t seem to cut it for me anymore.

I really have to take time to pour out my thoughts in an organized fashion because I feel like a loose cannon right now. For now, I just need to catch up on some rest.

Fearing Opportunities: Part I

It amazes me how so many young professionals, including myself, fear opportunities. It’s almost like an oxymoron, quite frankly, and it shouldn’t exist.

So where does this fear come from? I don’t have the answer to that question but I do have a theory:

I truly believe our generation is bombarded with so much information that we now have so many different ways of looking at things that we end up overthinking the simplest solution to our problems. And with that being said, we fear the greatest opportunities that cross our lives because we over think every scenario that could possibly happen if we seize that opportunity – and the thought that holds us back from taking that opportunity is the thought of “what could possibly go wrong”.

We get so caught up with the “bad”, that we don’t acknowledge the good that can possibly come out of it. And most of the time, the good outweighs the bad. The answer is really simple. And we see it. But we choose to live in some superficial fear.

So how do I relate? If you recall from my previous post, I wanted to take acting classes because I wanted to build self-confidence in a fun and practical setting. As much as it is for me, I wanted my readers like yourself to follow in on this journey and laugh with me about my experiences. So I felt like I owed it to you as much as I owed it to myself.

I found the perfect studio that accepts absolute beginners like myself who just want to do it for fun. I was excited when I found it. I even daydreamed about how awesome I would be – how embarrassing right? As soon as I was about to commit to it, I held back. I kept thinking – what if I’m absolutely horrible? What if I’m surrounded by people who were born to be Hollywood stars and weren’t absolute beginners like me? Do I really want to spend THAT much money to boost self-confidence?

One bad thought became an endless vicious cycle of every negative thought I could create I lost full control of the benefits in taking this opportunity.

So where am I now with this situation? I’ve decided to face my fear head-on and just visit the studio. There’s no harm in seeing what its like and asking questions to be more informed about my decision. And there’s no need to have fear.

Unfortunately I have a two-day professional exam next week so this story will be continued.

The Truth

I have a confession.  I truly believe my breakdown this year was caused by my unfulfilled life since high school – and not the events in my life that happened just recently. As I was reading Louise L. Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life”, she stated in the very beginning that our thoughts in the past has brought us to where we are now. It took me awhile to really define where in my past led me to this path. But I eventually realized that it had really nothing to do with my job, family, or personal issues at this moment.

The Truth. My parents came into Canada as refugees: no money, no stable job, and a lot of hardship. As I was growing up, I played only with dolls and my piano because my parents could not afford to have me partake in any extra-curricular activities. All my other friends had ballet, swimming, soccer, basketball, dance, and so on and so forth. By the time I hit my preteens, I really felt like a Plain Jane: average, untalented, and most of all, boring.

Compensation. Because I didn’t feel like I had anything going for me, I consumed myself in thoughts of another me, who was talented, beautiful, smart, and sophisticated. Some days I pictured myself as a dancer, some days I pictured myself as a hero,  or some days I even pictured myself as an actress. It’s one thing to daydream about a silly crush or who we will be in the next 10 years, but it’s another to completely imagine another self beyond reality and believing I will never be that person because it’s only just a dream.

Reality check. Since reading Hay’s book, that “other self” is ceasing to exist because I am now on that path of living a fulfilled life just by changing my thoughts. I can be who I want to be now, if I wanted too. I may have not had the opportunity to take dance classes or even acting classes as a child, but it’s not too late now. Afterall, I’m only 24!

Action plan. I find myself enjoying new ways of expressing myself and I think taking on acting and dance classes will enhance that skillset. I think it’s time that I break that invisible shell and open up to new experiences and new faces. To my young female professionals, it’s time to break free. Follow with me on this path.

Good girl, gone bad

Generally speaking, I’ve always been a “good girl”. I don’t even recall a time where I pushed or tested my parents’ limits such that they lost full control of disciplining me. There were obviously times where I yelled back at my parents when they were completely unreasonable. But at the end of the day, I listened to what they had to say and gave in.

But somehow, I remember a definitive point in my life where my rebellious stage kicked in. I was visiting my aunt (mom’s sister) in Sydney, Australia for the first time when I was 12 years old. My mom and aunt looked so much alike, but they were very two different people. My aunt was young and hip. My mom, on the other hand, was, and still is, conservative and traditional. I was shopping with my aunt at a department store and she pulled out the shortest denim booty shorts ever and forced me to go try them on. I was embarassed and shy. But I couldn’t be rude to her and say no. I got into the changeroom, threw on the shorts, and felt nervous, exposed, and shaken. I opened the door and my aunt’s jaw drops. The next thing I know, she spanks my butt and admires how cute these daisy duke shorts make my booty stand out. I smiled nervously back to her and told her “My mom would kill me if she saw me wear this” but my aunt didn’t hear a single word of it. All she did was asked if she could buy it for me as a gift from her. I kindly said no knowing what my mom would think. But just the concept of exposure of those short shorts made me feel different, like I was deviating from the norm and taking risks. Who’d knew that a pair of short shorts would symbolize something in my life?

I was still a good girl even after this event. My style was conservative; I wore no make up; I never did my hair – or even knew how to; I was just plain Jane even well into most of university. Towards the end of university, things started to change faster than I could even keep up.

I ended my three year relationship because I couldn’t grasp the idea of settling into a serious relationship in my 20s. I felt I played it safe all my life and I couldn’t live not knowing what it would be like to meet new people and expose myself to new and exciting things in life. I didn’t know what these things were, but I just knew that that long-term relationship was not fit for where I saw myself at this stage in life.

As soon as that relationship ended, I opened up a lot to new people and became friends with many. Then I did the unthinkable. I had my first hookup. The guy involved was a good friend of mine for months prior to the event. There was always the intention and attraction, so it was really just a matter of time. But I couldn’t believe I did what I did. My friends didn’t either. But what I did I had no regrets.

It lasted for three months until I started to have feelings for him that he did not share. So I had to end our “friendship”. It hurts me then, and it sometimes still hurts me now. But for the most part, I moved on.

As it stands now, work has consumed my life. I rarely am able to see my friends and family because of the amount of commitment and hours that are involved in the nature of my mundane job. I felt like I wasn’t taking any risks and there was no longer any excitement in my life. As I began to lose sight as to why I was here, I wanted to feel something again.

Three weeks ago, I went to my first rave. I was nervous, yet excited. I knew the risks of exposing myself to such an environment would require some caution. Let’s face it, it’s obvious the “illegal activities” that go around in raves. But from the moment I got there, I was excited. Dark rooms, laser-type lights, insane dance beats, I just felt like I was on a high without any drugs or alcohol. My mind, body and soul was hypnotized by the dance music and I let it take over me. I began to feel again.

Since then, I’ve been pushing my own limits to feel more and more and it’s taken over me this past week. It was 10PM last Monday and my friend and I were the very few last people in the office still working. He says to me “I need a drink.” and I responded “Let’s do it”. My friend was like “Seriously!?” And I wanted to say the same thing to myself. Did I really just agree to drinking on a Monday night knowing we had work the next day? The next thing you know, we eventually found a cute Irish Bar just five minutes from our office. What ended up supposed to be one drink, ended up with several more drinks. We talked about life like we were 50 and wise and stayed up until 2AM. I had to wake up four hours later to get ready for work. It was insane but I had so much fun.

I’ve just been driving myself down this road and I don’t know where it’s taking me but it’s almost like an addiction. I don’t know if I can stop but I know there has to be a limit to these things or else consequences will follow. I am a little concerned at the state I’m in but I feel as though my career right now is limiting to what I really am passionate about. So I compensate the emptiness by wanting to feel, do, experience something different every time. Have I really lost control or am I overreacting?