The Truth

I have a confession.  I truly believe my breakdown this year was caused by my unfulfilled life since high school – and not the events in my life that happened just recently. As I was reading Louise L. Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life”, she stated in the very beginning that our thoughts in the past has brought us to where we are now. It took me awhile to really define where in my past led me to this path. But I eventually realized that it had really nothing to do with my job, family, or personal issues at this moment.

The Truth. My parents came into Canada as refugees: no money, no stable job, and a lot of hardship. As I was growing up, I played only with dolls and my piano because my parents could not afford to have me partake in any extra-curricular activities. All my other friends had ballet, swimming, soccer, basketball, dance, and so on and so forth. By the time I hit my preteens, I really felt like a Plain Jane: average, untalented, and most of all, boring.

Compensation. Because I didn’t feel like I had anything going for me, I consumed myself in thoughts of another me, who was talented, beautiful, smart, and sophisticated. Some days I pictured myself as a dancer, some days I pictured myself as a hero,  or some days I even pictured myself as an actress. It’s one thing to daydream about a silly crush or who we will be in the next 10 years, but it’s another to completely imagine another self beyond reality and believing I will never be that person because it’s only just a dream.

Reality check. Since reading Hay’s book, that “other self” is ceasing to exist because I am now on that path of living a fulfilled life just by changing my thoughts. I can be who I want to be now, if I wanted too. I may have not had the opportunity to take dance classes or even acting classes as a child, but it’s not too late now. Afterall, I’m only 24!

Action plan. I find myself enjoying new ways of expressing myself and I think taking on acting and dance classes will enhance that skillset. I think it’s time that I break that invisible shell and open up to new experiences and new faces. To my young female professionals, it’s time to break free. Follow with me on this path.

New Hope, New Me

I thought I was beginning to lose faith in this World. I felt like everyone and everything in my life was turning against me, and it was never going to end. At the end of February, I had my breaking point. I said to myself, “You know what, World, just keep making everything miserable for me.  As a matter of fact, if you want my life, just take it. I give up.”

By March, I told my manager I wanted a one week leave of absence. I just needed vacation to rethink things in my life, even if I had to fly solo on this vacation. I left to South Beach and felt liberated. My best friends came on the third day of my stay. Upon my return,  things were falling back into place in my life – or so I thought.

Work became an unhappy place for me again and I was involved in a relationship that constantly made me feel unwanted and unworthy.

Fortunately, I just snapped one day. I spent a Saturday morning in class writing a 5-hour accounting practice exam and I could not focus. I just watched time eat itself while I stared blankly at my paper asking why am I here, why am I doing this, and how I wish I could be somewhere else right now. Then I started writing things on my paper on what I can look forward to after my exam to keep me motivated to continue to just stay focus. I wrote:

  1. Stay Focus
  2. Look forward to hot yoga
  3. Look forward to self-help books

I don’t know where in the world the third point came from, but it just came to me that day. Then I recalled talking to my friend Sara months back about how she read this self-help book that really made changes in her life. To be honest, I was really resistant to reading any self-help book. How can a book change my life? I have read, watched, and listened to many inspirational stories but they only really hold onto me for that time that I have acknowledged it. Beyond that, I’m back to where I am.

After giving the practice exam my “best” effort, I was finally free and I charged straight into the book store to search for that book. The sales associate at the store assisted me in search of this book and told me how popular it was. Once I found the book, I felt like I struck gold:

"You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise L. Hay

The difference between hearing others talk about their inspirational stories versus a self help book like Louise L. Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life”, is that she’s talking to you to change. And the power to change is and has always been within you. When I first read the book, I was really resistant to her theories and ideologies. And soon enough, about a few chapters in, Hay responds to me as if she is talking to me saying that resistance is the first step to acknowledging the fact that you are “willing to change”. So, I practiced like she said in her book and looked into the mirror and said to myself “I am willing to change”. You may be thinking – that’s so easy – anyone can do that. But really, it was so hard for me. I came into this thinking everything around me needed to change – not me. Why am I the problem?

As soon as I was able to finally accept that I was (and still am) willing to change, I worked on documenting how I felt with certain aspects with my life as follows from Hay’s exercise:

  1. Work: “I’m not good enough”
  2. Relationships: “I’m not lovable enough”
  3. Family: “I’m not cared for enough”
  4. Friends: “I’m not important enough”
  5. Body/face: “I’m not skinny/pretty enough”

Instinctively, I have always responded to the above as to how I’m going to fix these negative things in my life. But according to Hay, “fighting the negative is a total waste of time if you really want to make changes in your life. The more you dwell on what you don’t want, the more of it you create”. And that was the turning point in everything I ever thought of myself in the past. I always fought against the negative, but I never ran and embraced with the positive things in life.

So everyday, every moment, I think of something in the past that is holding me from willing to change, I tell myself things that are positive to create the place where I do want to be now and into the future:

  • I now create a wonderful new job
  • I experience love whereever I go
  • I am self-worthy of good things in life
  • I approve of myself and all aspects of who I am
  • I have a happy and healthy body
  • Most importantly, “all is well in my world”

These are just small snippets of what I really practice each day. But since I’ve started, I’ve been seeing little changes in my life slowly progress to things I didn’t imagine that could happen to me [good things]. As much as I used to say it’s all coincidence, it’s really not. I’m taking the time to finally recognize my self-worth and my self-approval in this world.

I can sense that great things will come into my life eventually and I plan to share that with you all as they come.

I can’t thank enough Sara for recommending this book to me and Louise L. Hay for giving me a new outlook on life.