Playing the Victim

I am back! And I didn’t want to come back without having been inspired by something to write and share to my readers.

Once again, I am fixated by a recurring theme in my acting class that resonates so much in my own twenty-something life.

I was given a monologue where my character goes on about a fun, light-hearted memory of her and her brother, as kids, playing a prank on their mother. My character jokingly tells her mother that her brother died from a bad car accident while her brother hid in the backyard. When the prank was done, her mother cried not knowing it was just a joke. My character’s innocence at the young age didn’t understand her mother’s cry until years later, when her brother ultimately passed away and was never coming back.

My initial performance of this monologue was what my instructor deemed as “playing the victim”: feeling guilt, remorse, sad, and nothing more. He said that playing the victim makes the scene “boring” because the character has given up and that there is no sense of hope. Whether the character should use her loss as a fight of frustration or hope that things get better, makes it all the more entertaining than just to “give up”.

Take Gladiator for example. In the very last fight scene, Russell Crowe’s character was stabbed right before he entered the Colliseum. Did he show a sign of loss hope in his last battle? No, he fought until he won before he fell upon his death.

Sadly, I do “play the victim” in my life on my lowest days, whether it be at work, relationships, etc. I let things get to me, and hold on to it with no sense that things will get better or accept that it’s for my own good. It’s not that I’m pesstimistic about life, I just surrender and accept that things are the way they are, and I have no control over it.

But that’s not at all true. I do have control of my life!

I know this sounds like my typical inspirational blurb, maybe moreso to reassure myself more than anything. But the truth is, two random strangers confronted me at two separate clubbing events about this in the past three months. The first person (female), intoxicated as ever can be, walked up to me and held her hands on the sides of my cheeks and said, “You are so beautiful, you should not be sad”. I didn’t even realize I had a frown on my face before she came up to me. I do admit, though that I was not having as much fun as I should because I ended up submerging myself into thoughts of loneliness even though I was accompanied by a group of friends.

The second person (male) that confronted me actually walked by me twice and stared at me. I couldn’t tell if he was drunk, but I think he was fed up with my sad face that as we passed by each other again, he said to me “You need to smile”.

And that’s when I had it – not with these people – but with myself.

I’m playing the victim where I have found myself to not think I’m worthy enough of being in a relationship, that no one would ever want to date me, and that I should give up and accept the fact that I’m going to be single for awhile.

And because of that, I think I actually push away guys from approaching me.

Playing the victim is not only boring, but it’s unattractive.

I know I am more worthy than I come off to be, but I’m still in search of defining who I am. That’s all it really comes down too.

Happy Two Year Anniversary…

.. to me.

It’s official: I’ve been single for two years – roughly. I don’t recall exactly the date of when I broke up with my last “real” relationship. But who wants to remember that date anyways?

I’m not absolutely depressed about being single, but I’m not exactly ecstatic about it either. I embrace the days where my friends are fighting with their boyfriends/dates (which is ever so sad), but I also throw fits of jealousy when I see them happily engaged in such a loving relationship.

Hey – at least I’m honest.

When I visited my aunt in LA, she asked “Do you have a boyfriend?” I responded “No… no time”. That is essentially true when you’re a young female professional! My aunt responded so proudly “That’s a very good way of thinking!”

I feel as though my entire family approves of being single … until you suddenly get married. As if there is no “actual relationship” that goes on in between single life and marriage.

When I came home to Toronto, I told my mom about the conversation with my aunt. My mom  said to me “It’s not so much you don’t have time.. it’s just that you haven’t found the right one.” You always were too smart for my own good, Mom.

With that being said, here is a short list of why I have loved being single thus far:

  • I can dress super scandalous and sexy on my nights out without having to worry about what some boyfriend would think
  • I can give more time and love to my closest and best friends and family
  • I can meet new guys and flirt with no feeling of guilt  or commitment
  • I can focus on achieving my dreams of moving to LA without worrying about leaving behind someone I truly love
  • I take more time in learning about myself in new ways and new experiences
  • I travel way more than I ever have in my life and met new and interesting people

At the end of the day, if I really wanted someone in my life, I could have him right now. But I’m just not willing to settle. Being single can be hard at times, but my life wouldn’t be adventurous and interesting if it was too easy.